I have always thought of this blog as not only a place to journal my daily life but also a place where I might share tiny bits of knowledge I have learned along this path of life. in keeping with that spirit I thought I would talk about something that has been fairly prevalent around here right now.
I suffer from depression. It was at it's worst after giving birth to Olivia. That lasted about six months and I took medication to help, which it did tremendously. More often than not now it comes in waves and only lasts a few days at a time. Usually I get very emotional and tend to kind of withdraw into myself. I find myself not wanting to go anywhere or talk to anyone. (This is kind of funny, because when I feel great I don't really want to go anywhere either, but for totally different reasons..I just like being at home). The big difference between now and postpartum is that I no longer take meds; I have found some rather simplistic techniques that allow a rather natural climb out of the depressed state back to normalcy. This is what I thought I would share today.
1. This sounds ridiculous, but it works....I make my bed. If I am not feeling like myself I make a point to make my bed every single morning. Such a simple task helps me in so many ways. For one, it gets me up and moving, doing something productive that offers and immediate feeling of accomplishment, which is usually addicting. Once I feel that sense of achievement I am usually more inclined to do something else and so on. The other reason I do it is because i really do believe that your environment can affect your mood tremendously. If the room is chaotic it makes me feel out of sorts. If it is picked up and tidy I feel a greater sense of calm.
2. A huge help for me is to admit that I am depressed...out loud to someone. If I hold it inside I notice that it festers. Instead I tell David right away that I am feeling depressed and I usually offer examples of why I feel that way (I don't want to run errands or I just feel like sitting all day, etc.) There is something about saying it to him that lets me off the hook, so to speak. Instead of feeling like I have to carry on as normal, I instantly feel like I can go into what I call "mommy, light" mode...I think of this like Miller and Miller light...still good but fewer calories. I am still here. I still make lunches and cook dinner. I still give hugs and help with homework. The big difference is that I give myself permission to not do everything. We will usually have a few more tv days. Or I will tell the girls they have to play in their room for 30 minutes. Often I think the hardest part about being a mom with depression is that you feel like it is not ok to recognize that you first and foremost have to take care of yourself in order to do your job. We are wired to take care of others first, but if you are not healthy how can you help others to be? As soon as I do this I notice my frustration subsides and I feel calmer.
3. Speaking of my kids, I turn to them often when I don't feel like myself. I will have a long conversation with them about whatever they want. Sometimes just listening to them talk in their own world changes my perspective. And usually I can't help but smile at something they are saying. I highly believe that smiling creates a better mood. I tell my children to do it when they are getting grumpy and they almost instantly change their mood, so now I do it too. I will just decide to smile. Although it isn't a miracle cure it does soften the edges a bit for me.
4. I stop making lists. Usually lists help me to achieve my goals. I feel so accomplished as I check things off my list. But when I am feeling depressed those same lists end up feeling like failures. Any of you with depression know this feeling. It isn't very rational. You are not a failure because you didn't go to the post office today, but in your head it becomes so much bigger. So now if I am feeling down I stop all list making. I let tasks come to me in a more organic way. If I am sitting in a chair and start thinking about that scrap of paper on the floor I will get up and sweep. If I am letting the dog outside I will walk down and check the laundry. Now, sometimes this means stopping that feeling that comes when you have this thought..."oh, but I don't FEEL like getting up to sweep." Yes, it comes, but I just say to myself 'you only have to pick up the scrap" and the next thing I know I am doing a full sweep of the house. In fact, for me it is often those repetitive activities that I most enjoy when I am depressed because you are able to get into the zen of your actions.
5. Finally, the big big thing for me that has changed tremendously since that first big bout with depression is that I have found a creative outlet. Picking up that camera to search out the small beauty hidden in the world has given me so much more than pretty pictures. It focuses my mind. It lets me express my emotions in a different way. And now I have found that even if I am not picking up the camera I am always using a part of my brain to search out the next subject. There is just a part of the soul that I don't think can be accessed unless you do something creative. Sometimes I draw or paint. I cannot stress too much the importance of finding a creative outlet.
Let me say that I am no expert in the matter. I should also say that I am a big believer in talking to a professional when you don't feel like yourself and that mediation defintely can help. I have been fortunate to discover the triggers for me as well as forms of relief. I do hope that some of these tiny things I do may help some of you who like me find yourself in the winter blues.
