Finally, I have pinpointed exactly what has been bothering me over the past few days. Sure, the weather is a big factor with the lack of sunshine, but that's not what is really causing my feeling of immobility. Isn't it funny when the truth smacks you right in the face and forces you to see it for what it really is?
As I have mentioned before, my husband is a radiology resident. His residency is four years and then he will be doing a fellowship further into his specialty. The path is long and exhausting and often leaves us feeling like we are waiting for life to begin. At 32 years old, most of our friends are well into their careers while he is still trying to cross the finish line.
Well, applications for fellowship are already due. This means that although he is still in his third year of residency we already have to decide exactly where we want to live. I knew this would be hard, facing leaving Kansas City, a place where we have so many family and friends. A place where we have built a life for ourselves that I quite love. And the truth of the matter is that I don't want to leave. But we don't really have a choice. There isn't a fellowship here for him and ultimately I know he really wants to go back to Texas. I just didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to face reality. Everything seemed so far off in the distance until now.
So much of my energy is spent focusing on today, finding the special moments in the everyday. Being forced to think about a life almost two years away is agonizing for me. I don't like jumping ahead. I don't like thinking about the challenge Olivia will face going to a new school. I don't want to think about finding new friends when I quite love the ones I have here. It puts our life in a state of limbo and in some ways robs today of its specialness, or at least takes off some of the sparkle.
This is nothing new for us. We had to move for med school. We had to move for intern year. We had to move for residency, and we'll move again for fellowship. I'll eventually grab hold of our future with an unyielding grip. I'll face it head on, ready. But right now, right this moment, I'm finding it a bit hard to look.
